Becoming a Never-Ready PhD Student

To be honest, I never imagined I'd be pursuing a PhD at this stage of life — especially self-funded.
It’s a huge risk.
For my finances, for my family, for my future.

Yeah, I know — it might sound dramatic. But it’s not.
It’s about financial reality, and that needs to be taken seriously.
Still… here I am, starting the journey.

I’m writing this past midnight, caught in another wave of insomnia.
Second semester.
Proposal defense deadline creeping closer — and me?
I never feel ready.

There’s a long story behind this decision.
To keep it short: it was part accident, part emotion.
But now I’m here, doing my best to take full responsibility for the choice I made.

It’s not like I never planned this. I did.
But that was before marriage. Before the pandemic. Before my son was born.

After becoming a mom, I pushed myself to give it one more shot.
I believed — and still believe — that this is something I was meant to do.
But life happened.
Work got messy. Plans faded. My goals blurred into the background.

Until one day, someone asked me:
"At what age do you see yourself becoming a professor?"
I had no answer.
Because at that point, I had stopped thinking about it altogether.

I smiled politely… but that question stayed with me.
It planted itself deep in my heart.

And here I am now — taking cautious steps toward that path,
with all the risks attached.
(Trust me, the untold stories are more than you’d think.)

In the beginning, I chose my research topic carefully —
hoping it could actually solve a real problem.

But let’s be real.
This is a PhD.
We’re not here to build rockets to Saturn.

So here I am:
Knowing what I want to do…
yet somehow lost in the middle of it all.

I’m not sure if sharing this publicly is the right choice.
But tonight, I’m just trying to write it all out —
to find some peace, some clarity, some inspiration.

I want to document the steps, the doubts, the worries.
Not my financial situation — that’s a story of its own.
But maybe, just maybe… someone out there is going through something similar.

And maybe, through these words,
they’ll find a little light.
Just like I’m trying to do.